I knew only that there is nothing more irritating for a soul, than a limitless and devoted love of a person whose 'such' love we are so 'unworthy'.
When a person says about incapacity for love with some one - this IS the end - because its just the polite manner (even not to hurt onself) of saying - "How I am tired from your love and all your being! I would be so free and happy without YOU! Let I even fail with my dear friend, (you don't know her like me - she is wonderful and so dear for me) but I dream today of the future coming and in this future there will no a person with denunciative looks etc. There will not be a person who remembers my bad behaviour and what is the most important there will no the person who had to fogive me... for my unfaithfulness. My Infidelity was a concious act - I met a person of my real dream, not you, but humble, and simple and interesting from all sides. Just I need something another where I will be more succesful and right...and less wrong, more attentive to my needs, kind, speakable, a good prayer and oh how many virtues she has against you".
We do want to keep our 'past'face before that person, to keep may be something that could some tail of the passing train for him (this is our little farwell present)
that we just have to say worser about ourselves, (nothing for us indeed but so much for another) than to say openly the truth.
6 comments:
Yes, yesterday.
Yes.
There will be an operation next week...
Ellina, my endocrinologist says he is very good, and all will be well. But I am afraid yet, of cource, though don't know what namely. Just never had any serious operations.
I will be praying for all the week till next appointment next Tuesday. She said maybe this complication happened becasue of the wrong treatment while she was on holiday - I had to change the doeses of the medicine - but how should I have known it?
I comfort myself with that thought that at least (I hope) it is not deathful etc. Though there's little pleasant in it, of course.
She is wonderful really! It me who was worser and worser last half of the year. Had no time to eximine myself properly with all my work and move, she is with me, and her boy friend will help us with adjusting of the Internet at us at coming weekend. So it will me easier to get in touch.
So, this is about my health, and how are you?
For the living all ways to Him are open - for the dead only one - to His silence.
Indeed I feel how much I lost here because of my fault in front of God. I always fell - or indulged in reverie, or was abandoned to despair, or to grief, or to oblivion. Etc and etc... But Joy did not want to love with me.
I need some one near me tonight.
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