Thus he popped outright everyone anytime and everywhere without difference in sex and ethnic background by all accessible methods. More or less typical males behavior. Such amiability and gentilesse in some, say, reasonable extent of all sides of the nature of a gentleman, in order to be accepted as the best buck, was a wide spread among people of the last centuries. For instance Alexander Pushkin named this phenomenon ‘to lie with women’. In former times it was more acceptable by the societies – it depends only what society it was. Now the society is more pretended than it was say, in the 19th century, though they had their own tsuris.
All right then - wonderful! And what happened?
Frankly speaking I don’t understand whether he is going to change anything or not. But you know I am better. Really. Thank you, my Lord.
Its me indeed who have fucked him with this my love and he didn’t know how to get off back from me… he said ‘no’ for so many times, and in so many ways, nothing could help … but today we have a ‘wonderful’ game – he is a ‘common woman’, me is a ‘wounded husband’. Indeed feeling myself like at the surgery department - you of course know what happens with me under the sights of suppuration – I simply pass out immediately. Really. I can do dirty work, like other have to sometimes, but its so hard for me. I could immolate etc – but as much as my physical ability bear it: in childhood one day the parents brought the fresh fish at home from some journey – and they with guests sailed into the room having asked me to scale that fish (it was still alive) – I started – I was scaling for some time with horror, pouring with tears, my heart was bleeding – but in a few minutes after such our with poor fish execution I fainted – they came running terribly frighten, with words – oh dear why you didn’t tell us, that you can’t do that! We would not ask you to do this!! Indeed after it they would not. But how I was melting with their behavior that evening – as if they saw their child at the first time. I should not blame them and I do not - that such things I have to do because of circumstances I go through very deeply – not only at a mental level or some what it is commonly used as the sense of compassion – but at some my physiological level. Truly. It was always. Many other things…of various fields. Or when a girl at one hospital one day I had to stay in queue near an adult man who had something with his hand – it was all covered with something like ‘plague’ spots – and no one was interested how it was for the rest – I fell in a dead faint in a minute on the stone floor. Again all was frighten. I know there are sisters of mercy working in Africa – but O God, I know my limits – there are things I can bear but there are ‘such’ – I just can not. I can follow my husband to prison for time he needs, but if there are constant offscum and drubbing I just can not survive – not in the sense ‘oh such life is not for me’ – physically and spiritually I am ready for many hard things – but my perception of some another alive forms of life – this is something another… this is something which is out of my control – it commands – what areas, smells or pictures, it agrees to admits and in what doses but what, sooner or latter, if the source of blow-up doesn’t stop its evaporation, it just extrudes in the form it removes me from the sphere of life there. How much I can be compassionate to people or fish there. Structural test? Who performs it? God? Really?
With the family life relations the problem is that there are people who fallen in a dirty pool by mistake then get up, wash themselves and go their way further. Of course its no easy, to forget but the intention at least to do this but not to remain there must be the leading. But if a person continues sitting gladly in his dirty pool sending you with a test tube to make test from the water of the pool. Saying: " Hey Bill, hurry up and make the test of this shit I am in with all these umm my no, no, I dislike them, but good enough (damn, how sexy they are all!) girls and boys! But you run up there and come back as soon as possible with the results because I am getting sicker from it more and more for some reason!" And leaves traces that can lead others to these our films etc? Why you don’t leave this shit without probe sampling? May be the answer is in that you just like being there and you really do not see what you do?. Then what we are discussing at all? Go on and be happy: 'Creativity and amenity' as a motto, and the University court is surely supposed to offer you all the excuse.
But I am thank him for this open dialogue as never before. Though what I am able to understand with my brains from all that so rich stuff, is that he is so careful of me – even now – to cry over the wall "dear! I do not match you, and you do not match me! Can't you see this?" If all his efforts with ‘no’ were sinking in my pool of tears, then maybe this ‘no-sword’ finally occurs more effective and I can congratulate him with his success.
But speaking of people’s realization I understand that not immediately, not at once –but if person really gets this gift of love to another – he changes. He at least start changing something that mingles him, or from what he feels himself outgrowing. If you know or feel that someone (even no matter how close to you) suffers from it then do you what? wig out from it? Is this the way of bringing and getting joy for you? This sounds so emotional or something but its true, I know it from my own experience – one day I told him that when he really would fall in love one day, he would know it by the simple fact – he would transfigure. Maybe I will never know this. But it doesn’t matter. And the point is not in my broken heart, or another future for us both – but today I have passed through the same simple truth I have been hewing passage through for these years – whatever he said (more he himself confessed that his words means nothing (?!)) or emotional dance – the truth in that I have got this gift of love to him, and it is my reality (it, for instance is capable to change and transform all things around me, without even my involving or exerting any of efforts sometimes), but he continues playing (he is a master!). He will go on listening what his friends will be thinking of me or of any other girl (no matter – until he meets his real love – its no matter who she/he is and how much are her/his virtues – fallen world of shadows – what is the difference in the behavior?) or advise, you may ask - doesn’t he have his own mind or heart? No, all this ‘common place’ stuff fits him as long as - he is vacant. Unoccupied of this gift. I think its we who ask of this gift from Him. We even sometimes do not understand what we are asking about in our the deepest and the most sincere prayer…. I have learned that God always answers - for what you ask. Today I know that He answered for my prayer. Didn’t God desire me to be happy and whole? Or was that a blackmail from my side, when you at start begin something that will never hit stride up to your real needs?
Who knows in what our day is? I have sinned in my life, was so cruel with people who loved me and cared of me – but if his so horrible behavior maybe I would never see mine - I have lamented my penance (and still desire its clear light and open conversation with God). My father always was indignant with my so stick-at-it-ive behavior – when I demanded things immediately and no matter what I wanted – he always tried to fulfill all my desires – little ones? Maybe but he realized that in this field there would be a big problem sooner or later…besides all of my life I was so lazy to move hand or foot to improve something in my life. But we are indeed alike: he with this effeminacy in all he is doing - he can do only things I/he like(s). In masculine nature he is so diligent and operose in his – oh no, stop my heart, stop.
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